Happy Birthday Jesus, Sorry Your Party's So Lame.

I’m a few day late on this, but this is a point I need to bring up.

The worst day of the year to be born is Dec. 25., Christmas Day. The annual celebration of capitalism and consumerism, but it’s not all about the presents. It’s about who you have to share your special day with, Jesus. The exact date of Jesus’s birth is not officially known, but for some reason ancient peoples decided on the twenty-fifth day of December. Take it into consideration, think of a famous person born on your birthday. That person is no way the son of God, therefore, will not be respected more than you by your family and friends. So, sucks for you.

Most people forget why we give presents to one another, but if anyone can think back to the tale of the three wise men following the star to bring the baby gifts of myrrh, frankincense and gold to the dingy stable in Bethlehem. This some how evolved into a tale of some fat guy wearing a red suit, living in the North Pole and sneaking into everyone’s house Christmas Eve to leave presents. Utter, bullshit.

Bringing it back to birthdays sucking on Christmas argument; the holiday season is a month long mess of traffic, overcrowded shopping areas and tree lighting ceremonies; all of the sake of Santa...err..Jesus. It is just an occurrence that the fact of your own birth be lost in the hustle and bustle, truffle and shuffle between Thanksgiving and New Years because the holiday season has become a sanctuary for the American Dream rather than a time of giving and spending time with loved ones. The month like marathon of shopping is now what defines our culture and not the holiday cheer. The cheer coming from spending money on expensive gifts in hoping to see a smile of who ever opens said present. Blah.

Christmas should really be about togetherness and giving, not only presents, but time and your body to helping the community at large.

I’m not done here, will finish later

Putin Pic:

Are you there Vodka? It's me Gina.

Who I aspire to be: Chelsea Handler.



No, really, I’m serious.

For all of you who are not familiar with her work, Handler is a New Jersey native comedian who rose to fame thanks to her sharp tongue featured during her own late night talk show on the E! television network. She is the modern day renaissance woman along with having at least three New York Times bestselling books. (Dear Oprah, Boom, Roasted). During the entire Leno vs. Conan ordeal, I was busy watching this combination of Jewish and Mormon heritage ripping into everyone from “The Situation” to Mel Gibson.

He's just misunderstood:


Handler starts where the Spice Girls left off with the whole “Girl Power” fad by excessively drinking and sleeping around and gives a definite answer to why men are from Mars and women are from Venus. All the while, bringing the reality back to how both sexes want the same thing; to get laid. Don’t lie to yourself, you know it’s true. (I think if she was in the Spice Girls, her nickname would be Skanky Spice or Drunkie Spice.)

They'll tell you want...what you really, really want:


THE BREAK DOWN
Reasons why I aspire to be Chelsea Handler:
1. Her best friend is a little person
2. She has three bestselling books describing her sex life and love of alcohol.
3. According to Forbes, she’s worth about $19 million. Yeah.
4. Life time supply of Belvedere vodka
5. The people who work for her are eccentric.
6. Hosted the VMAs
7. Accomplished writer
8. Having your own television show is a plus too.
9. Getting to make fun of whoever she wants.
10. Meeting famous people (most of who she taughts nightly on syndicated television)

Cons:
1. She might have an STD from sleeping around
2. She’s not even 40 yet, but I have reason to believe her liver might be in the shitter.

But, she does get to hang out with this guy all day:


In the end, Handler’s ability to make money off her love of vodka is the one of the most appealing things about her career. Futhermore, I love red wine. YELLOW TAIL REPS! CALL ME!



Anyway, I dream of a world where people realize we are all here as human beings for one simple thing…reproduction...and until then people like Handler will continue to show us the ways of the world through the art of comedy..err...alcoholism. It’s not exploitation of the female form, but a fact of human existence.

HERE’S PUTIN:

The Beginning of the End

There is no other reason for me starting this blog other than pure boredom. No place would hire me during winter break because I obviously lack the skills needed to sell hams and slacks to overbearing assholes. So, for the past three days, I have been attempting to plan my escape out of Akron, Ohio as of May 2011. It's going to be a tricky task, but I think I'll be able to handle it.



First, applying to internships. Oh, God. The process of sending resumes, cover letters, clips...the whole shebang across cyber space in hopes of acceptance into the world of writing, editing and death by AP style. I am on the verge of selling my soul to Satan (sorry, Jesus) for the chance to get some newsroom experience and am committed to finding a summer PAID internship.

Second, trying to figure out how to continue my conquests aboard. Yeah, I want to teach English in Thailand. There I said it and am applying. (I think Cee-lo said it best it that one song, "fuck you." Am I insane? eh. Is this a good idea? maybe. Do I have anything better to do in this house than fill out countless application forms and e-mails? absouley not. Lastly, Thailand is know as "the Land of Smiles" and smiling is one thing I do best. BONUS POINTS.

Finally, I am sick of this bullshit weather and it might be one of the top factors of me wanting to move to Thailand.

My cat is a jerk and aggravating my allergies. The Cavs keep losing and Lebron keeps winning. Michael Jackson is still dead. The world just can't win, can it?

Side bar, the house repealed DADT (finally) and Obama stayed home from a Hawaiian vacation with Michelle and the kids to sign the bill. Sounds like the man is getting some of his priorities right. (you know, worrying about the well-being of the American public.) whew.

And now time for your daily Putin:


TOT ZIENS.