Are you there Vodka? It's me Gina.

Who I aspire to be: Chelsea Handler.



No, really, I’m serious.

For all of you who are not familiar with her work, Handler is a New Jersey native comedian who rose to fame thanks to her sharp tongue featured during her own late night talk show on the E! television network. She is the modern day renaissance woman along with having at least three New York Times bestselling books. (Dear Oprah, Boom, Roasted). During the entire Leno vs. Conan ordeal, I was busy watching this combination of Jewish and Mormon heritage ripping into everyone from “The Situation” to Mel Gibson.

He's just misunderstood:


Handler starts where the Spice Girls left off with the whole “Girl Power” fad by excessively drinking and sleeping around and gives a definite answer to why men are from Mars and women are from Venus. All the while, bringing the reality back to how both sexes want the same thing; to get laid. Don’t lie to yourself, you know it’s true. (I think if she was in the Spice Girls, her nickname would be Skanky Spice or Drunkie Spice.)

They'll tell you want...what you really, really want:


THE BREAK DOWN
Reasons why I aspire to be Chelsea Handler:
1. Her best friend is a little person
2. She has three bestselling books describing her sex life and love of alcohol.
3. According to Forbes, she’s worth about $19 million. Yeah.
4. Life time supply of Belvedere vodka
5. The people who work for her are eccentric.
6. Hosted the VMAs
7. Accomplished writer
8. Having your own television show is a plus too.
9. Getting to make fun of whoever she wants.
10. Meeting famous people (most of who she taughts nightly on syndicated television)

Cons:
1. She might have an STD from sleeping around
2. She’s not even 40 yet, but I have reason to believe her liver might be in the shitter.

But, she does get to hang out with this guy all day:


In the end, Handler’s ability to make money off her love of vodka is the one of the most appealing things about her career. Futhermore, I love red wine. YELLOW TAIL REPS! CALL ME!



Anyway, I dream of a world where people realize we are all here as human beings for one simple thing…reproduction...and until then people like Handler will continue to show us the ways of the world through the art of comedy..err...alcoholism. It’s not exploitation of the female form, but a fact of human existence.

HERE’S PUTIN: